whew! Our God never, never ceases to amaze me!!!!!!!!
So, I have been in touch with a clinic in Tulsa for certain aspects of my health. There is a program that looks like it could be of incredible levels of help, however, it is very natural based and likely not covered by ins....and though the outcome would be priceless, well, let's just say there IS a price on it, however treasured and worth it later. lol. So goes this crazy world :)~ BUT, I sent my info to them to see if I was eligible to be a patient, and they accepted and contacted me for further details etc., so we would know if we could proceed. The dear lady who contacted me, so it turns out, is a believer who shares a passion for missions, having spent time in Uganda!!! That alone completely psyched me after our conversation! I felt God's hand......which, needless to say, sad little heather that I am, got my hopes set that this is what God wants and sent me wanting to dive in! lol....I'm an extremist, all or nothing :) Instead of "waiting patiently on the Lord", I wanted the answers, the solution, the miracle YESTERDAY! haha. I realized, through another sleepless night, that facts are we can't afford this right now and I need to accept this! Still being silly, faithless me....I am ashamed to say that I emailed her back out of.....resolve to facts, I guess.....much more than faith that God would work things out! oi! Thank goodness that "when we are faithless, HE REMAINS FAITHFUL"!!!!!!! woooooooot :) So, check out her response:

Heather,
I am very excited that this program is bringing you hope! I am also very excited because I know you are going to have a lot of success with this program when you are ready to begin! From past experience, I know that God’s timing is always perfect, so things will work out when they are supposed to! “Our needs will be met according to his riches and glory Philippians 4:19”. I do believe that this is a need that you have and not just a desire so I know that this need will be met for you! I hope that you continue to have faith and know that all of this will work out! Keep in touch with me. I would love to help you when you are ready or just someone to talk to in this time of transition!
In his name,
Melissa

I stand .... okay, so lay here *hehe* (not sucha strong day :) ..... totally humbled AND amazed. First, humbled~wow. Silly me. "I believe, only help my unbelief"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I truly, after researching this program and speaking to her of details, felt hope for the first time in soooooo crazy long. I don't know what it is, but I really believe this will work. And I felt alive again....like this battle isn't over. Okay, so hope is great (as is feeling alive again :), BUT It should NOT be doctors or programs or etc, etc that captures my hope and gives me life. There is only ONE place we can SET OUR HOPE....that is our unfailing, never changing, perfectly faithful GOD!!! It is He and HE ALONE who meets our needs, who comes through for us. Yes, He works through many people and in many ways....but they are all worthless if we cannot see His sweet hand in it all. After all "He longs to show Himself strong on our behalf"!
Second, I am amazed!!! ~ How crazy madly BEAUTIFUL is the body of Christ!!!! *happiness* :) :) :) yeah, kinda like that :) smiles! Here are two total strangers from different cities....and yet two sisters who share ONE Spirit, united in CHRIST, living HIS Life!!!!! It is simply nuts to me!!!!! WHAT?!!!? wow! She does not know me, has never seen my face...yet her words pierced my heart today, torn down a wall, opened my eyes, and fixed my heart on my God! THAT IS A MIRACLE PEOPLE! THAT is my God :)
Can you believe He loves me THIS much...to work such intricate details as to have this company contact be, not just an employee, but a sister in Christ. Then, to guide her heart to speak words I needed to hear...HIS words. Just for me. awestruck. wow.
It is moments like these that make all the pain WORTH IT....worth it all....all for Him.
Thanks Daddy

So, suppose I'm not so good at the EVERY day thing....lol :)
Things have been good of late! Well, that, I suppose, is in the perspective of the individual! lol :)
My health is on its every downward spiral! Many nights of late I have been unable to fall asleep until 4 or 5 am, one night even 9 am, simply because the pain is SO severe that I cannot get comfortable and rest doesn't come. While there have been very, very frustrating times and many whiny moments :) I am so insanely blessed. Each night as I lay on our couch, the weakness and cries out to God result in Him breaking down yet another wall, realizing another weakness I didn't know I had. It is truly, truly only in our weakness that His strength is perfected. This, I would not trade for anything. The moments in HIS arms, the tears turned to joyous truths....oh, while I would never wish this pain on anyone, oh! what I would give for many people I adore to have such moments to be stripped before God, with not enough energy for fronts or to sugarcoat things, for after hours of pain and fatigue, even prayers cannot be sugarcoated...humbli ng, but praise God!!!! woooooh :) It has been awesome. So much intimacy with my Father, so many convictions, so less of self. wow. wow wow wow :) It is incredible....everyone should at least take time to break away from the world and spend hours, yes! hours!, with God!!!!!! There is nothing like it.
Also, we had a HUGE answer to prayer today. I must wait to share the loverly details...and can't wait :) But, basically something we have been praying about as a couple, became a very specific prayer, though we thought it likely that this would NOT happen. THEN the other persons involved came to us, and have been in prayer for the exact same period of time and felt God leading in the very same ways. what?!!!? our God never never never ceases to amaze me! All who are in Christ are united in ONE Spirit, and it is just plain NUTS, when those in the body walk in the Spirit and are sensitive to His voice, to SEE Him work in separate lives. It is crazy. And how AWESOME to not only see HIS work, but to be in the midst of it and a part of it!!!!!!! It's breathtaking! The more I dwell on it....well, the more I am speechless!
Now....if I can take that awe and allow it to penetrate the rest of my life so as to REMEMBER that just as my Father faithfully worked this situations (without MY knowing the whole time!!!!), so will He work out the other burdens and trials in our life!!! He IS faithful ~ I don't have to see it every moment to believe it, yet how much HAVE I SEEN His faithfulness at work! Oh me of little faith :) David says in Psalms that when we are in trials, we are to MEDITATE on the works of the Lord! When we remember all He has done, all He can do, and that He CANNOT change.....we believe, we live on that believe, we TRUST and we are free to live worthy of our calling ~ for things beyond this world!
Love you all :)

Well, here goes. This is my 2nd blog. The first, being filled with much deeper thoughts than herein will entail. *smiles* This, well, let's just say, aside from a mother's heart...I am honestly not sure why anyone would enjoy reading about my life. BUT I have wanted to journal day to day for a LONG time, and I hope this will challenge me to go for it. Okay...so that is the sugarcoated reason I am facing this. Frankly, I struggle with the whole vulnerability thing. Yeah....! I don't trust easily and I REALLY don't bare my heart well. A dear friend once told me that I have this tendancy to be "open" about my struggles only AFTER I have found the victory or dealt with it in Christ. And while I may see my struggles and weaknesses as a means to shout glory to God who alone gets me through......well, it doesn't cost my pride much after the fact, ya know??? It's far easier to say "i USED to struggle with ---" rather than, hey, I am totally failing at THIS....as in now. yuppers....humbleness is not my strong suit. haha. BUT, I also know that the body of Christ is called to encourage one another DAILY and to bear one another's weaknesses. How the heck can we do that if we only tell our needs AFTER they are past? yeah, somehow I don't think that can work. But ohhhh how our pride likes it. hm! funny,that! isn't our pride part of our flesh? You know, the part that is crucified with Christ???
So, needless to say, I want to write daily, or as best as I can, and invite ya'll, my brothers & sister in Christ, to join me on this journey. BUT I ask something of you, dear reader. Please, PLEASE read this for a purpose, to take action!!! Either read it for some conversation topics between you and our Savior at the throne of grace ~ PRAY for me, for those who come in and out of my life! AND/or challenge me and encourage me. Don't let me settle. Don't let me waver. We are called to a high calling. While my flesh taunts and tempts me and tries deluding me into earthly "glories", there is only ONE glory I long to pour life and breath out for - Jesus Christ! If I live for less, please please TELL ME! Point me to HIM! And challenge me to do likewise! I firmly believe that the body of Christ has a RESPONSIBILITY to speak truth to each other, to exhort each other (and exhortation is NOT a happy feely thing - it is meant to remind of truths and promises and our calling, it is meant to push us deeper into Christ, to remind us that we are NOT of this world, to keep each other from settling or living for this world, the enemy of our GOD!!!!). So, read my stories day to day and then pray or challenge or both. If you are on this page, then I am certain our God has brought you here and He has a purpose and a calling for you, dear friend, each moment of each day.
Also, I am praying each time I type that you will be encouraged by the fact that you are NOT alone in weakness and struggles. Take heart that OUR GOD is bigger than our failures, He is bigger than our feebleness. If He can work through little ole wretched ME, than KNOW that He can work through you!!!! OH! If Christians would strip off the weight of superficiality, for it is certainly one of the enemies greatest tools. No, it is here, in our weakness, that His strength is perfected. And it is in our vulnerability that we can be challenged and deepened. Yeah, it totally freaks me out, but I pray it will push me further into the heart and truths of my God, as well as encourage you, friend, to know you do not walk this road alone!!!!!!
much love :)
heather